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Han Solo
Indiana Jones Han Solo was a Human smuggler and space pirate who spent much of his life in search of Fortune. Perhaps his most famous space-piratical adventure was that one time when he shot Greedo with his DL-44 Heavy Blaster Pistol.NO HE DID NOT.Yes, he did. Quiet, you. He hung out with a giant walking carpet whose name has been forgotten. He was a carbonite addict, and he got totally stoned with Darth Vader at the Super Carbonite Rave Party. He loved carbonite so much, he encased himself in it one time. In the force awakens he was killed by his own son. His son was Kylo Ren, a emo Vader fanboy who stabbed him because of some family dilemma. Early life Okay, Han's a major character, so let's do this. Han Solo was an orphan, and nobody knows where or when he was born. What we do know, is that he was born somewhere on Corellia, a pretty nasty world, and at a young age, he was yanked into the sewers and made a part of the shifty White Worms, led by a giant long ass worm named Lady Proxima. There, he met his kind-of girlfriend in the Disney canon, Qi'ra who was also part of the white Worms. After a few years working with the slimy bastards, Han and Qi'ra wanted to escape and start a life away from of Cornelia. Han went into the lair of Lady Proxima, being shoved to her by her second in command, Moloch. Han then grabbed a rock and told them it was a thermal detonator. Proxima told him he was full of shit, so he threw the rock and a window, and the sunlight burnt her skin. Han and Qi'ra fled, being chased by Moloch, Rebolt, and a hungry hungry pack of Correlian Hounds. Han stole a speeder, kissed Ri'qa for the 100th time that day and sped off. But surprise! Moloch also had a speeder and followed them in a car, I mean speeder chase. Han trapped Moloch in an ally and they drove to the imperial recruitment booth to get off world. Han went to some guy in a booth, and told him he wanted to sign up. He then said he was Solo, so the officer put him down as Han Solo. Yep, that's how he got his name. Some hack screenwriter at Disney actually felt the need to tell us how Han got his name, and it's the stupidest thing ever. He was probably Han Worm man before. Anyway, as he and Q'i'br'ahhh got ready to leave, Moloch caught up with the hounds, and Han got away but she did not, so Han was forced to ditch her and split, much to Molochs anger. During Han's three minutes of honorable service to the Empire, he tried to be a pilot, but got kicked out for saving this other guy. He was then sent to Mimban as a Mud Trooper, which he hated, and then decided that war is bad! Shooting random assholes is bad! Actually the latter, he did that multiple times later. While there, he met a group of scoundrels looking for a quick buck, Beckett, Val, Rio Durant, and a guy who then was blown up. Seeing a spot on the crew, he asked to join, but Beckett liked pretending to be a Mudtrooper, and handed Han over to the empire for desertion. Asshole. Han was dumped in a hole, where he encountered the goofball Wookiee Chewbacca on the Yellow Brick Road. "Rawr!" said Chewbacca. "Put 'em up, put 'em up! I'll fight cha with one hand tied behind mah back. I'll fight cha with mah eyes closed." The other Imperial troops captured Chewbacca and were about to skin him into a stylish, affordable Wookiee-skin coat, but Han refused and freed him instead. They broke out and ran to Beckett's ship, who liked their style of breaking out of jams, so they joined the team. For their first mission, they had to steal Coaxium from a train. Han thought it would be your normal western train heist, but boy was he wrong. They got down to the train, but some Range Troopers showed up and shot at them, Han shot one, and Chewie unhooked the back of the train, leaving the others behind, so like many failed their job. Then, just as the Range Troopers were gone, the next threat appeared. The Cloud Raiders led by Enfys Nest showed up, also wanting to steal some sweet Coaxium. One got on the ship and killed Rio, so Han took the controls. Up ahead, Val was having some trouble with Probe Droids, so she detonated the bomb early, and blew herself up. Enfys had a fight with Beckett, who got the Coaxium cart and began to fly away, only for Han to drop it and get it destroyed. Beckett then beat the crap out of Han, because Val and Rio were dead and for no reason now they had no Coaxium. Han then played his, "it's fine card" and they dipped to go see Becketts employer, the near-human crime lord, Dryden Vos, who was not giving advice to Iron Man. Dryden wanted more Coaxium, and then revealed he had been "looking after" Kee-r'ah, Han's estranged girlfriend who agreed to join Beckett, Han and Chewie on the mission. First, they went off to find Lando Calrissian, and his lesbian rights activist robot L3-37. Both also agreed to join the mission, and they flew out in a new shiny Millennium Falcon. Nice. They needed to go to Kessel , ruled by the Pykes. To do so, the crew had to dive in to the Galaxy famous Kessel run, which was all good until the empire showed up, shooting at them. Once they got away from the empire, a space monster found them, but they got it pulled into a black hole. Before long, Han beat the run fastest, and they reached Kessel. On arrival, they met the Pyke Quay Tolsite, who took them to discuss business. L3-37 got pissed that the Pykes used droids as labor, so she started a Rebelion. Qqar'ai killed Tolsite and a massive fight broke out, where L3 was shot to bits. They finally got the Coaxium to the meeting world at got it refined, but Landon just upped and left them in the Falcon. Then, Enfys Nest showed up, wanting Coaxium. She then revealed that she and the raiders were rebels. Then Drydan Vos turned up and Beckett betrayed Han to him. Ki'aa'r-Q'a had a fight with Dryden and the Ninja killed him, while Han went to get the Coaxium back from Beckett. Han then shot first, killing Beckett, but Key'rauhwraah left him, going to Dathomir. Hard luck, dude. Smuggler for hire Han and Chewbacca spent the next few years smuggling stuff... gems, furs, booze, informants, pirated movies. Jabba the Hutt frequently had jobs for them. Their early work was a bunch of fetch quests, basically. Jabba became very fond of Han Solo, respecting his ability. Things got even better when he won the Millennium Falcon from Lando Calrissian in a game of space poker. I guess Lando was a little distracted, probably because there were a lot of boobies in the room. Han then took off with his new, bad-ass ship and a long, hard glare from Lando. Relocating to the Corporate Sector, Han became a smuggler for Initech and Microsoft, smuggling paper, toner, coffee, water coolers, and paper clips from one planet to the other. Han gradually built a long list of ex-girlfriends, including a chirpy tech-girl named Jessa Vandangante; an older woman magician named Xaverri; a sweet soul sister named Salla Zend; another sweet soul sister named Katya M'Buele; Sy Snootles; Dani; Shaak Ti; Ally McBeal; Marion Ravenwood; Dr. Elsa Schneider; Willy Scott; Short Round; and Helen Kimble, who he didn't kill! During his Corporate Sector adventures, Bollux and Blue Max, two smart-alecky robots, joined them on a mission for Jessa's father. Han, Bollux and Blue Max would often watch bad movies on a green screen and make amusing comments, while Chewbacca would pilot the ship. After a back-to-back viewing of Manos: The Hands of Fate and Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Han vowed never to do that again and handed over the job to Michael J. Nelson and Tom Servo. Han Solo tracked down the legendary lost treasure of Xim the Despot... which turned out to be ancient military equipment, very nice for a museum, not worth a lot. Han and Chewbacca had a brief run-in with zombies on the starship Purge. The pair visited Kashyyyk a few times, where Chewbacca tried as hard as possible not to visit his annoying family, and sometimes they managed to free a few Wookiee slaves. Bria Tharen reappeared a couple times in Han's life, but there was no ex-sex either time, what a rip-off. Instead of taking cold showers, Han generally worked out his frustration by taking more smuggling jobs from Jabba the Hutt. Jabba, in the meantime, had developed a full-on obsession with Han, posting pictures of him all over his basement and writing elaborate Han/Jabba fanfic on the newsgroup alt.sex.stories.han.solo.squish.squish.squish. Han was now Jabba's best pilot and got all his most important jobs, which usually meant spice. Unfortunately, on one such important job, Han was intercepted by Imperial Star Destroyers and was forced to dump his load in order to escape. The Imperials tried to chase him, but their ships were covered in nutmeg and cinnamon. When Han reported back to Jabba, he was furious. The loss of the spice, combined with his unrequited desire to get into Han's pants, drove him to hire a bounty hunter named Greedo, to take him out. Shooting First Desperate for money, Han Solo ended up on Tatooine, like every other important character in the galaxy. Han and Chewbacca walked into the bar at Mos Eisley... and immediately experienced a sense of foreboding. Han encountered Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, who wanted passage to Alderaan and would pay a hefty sum, enough to get Han out of trouble. Han thought it over, but was reluctant to have a whiny brat on his ship, so he looked around the bar for somebody, anybody else with a better offer. None were available, so he made the deal. Greedo accosted him on the way out of the bar and started talking to him in Huttese for some reason, even though Greedo could speak Basic just fine, and threatened him. But Han was unfazed and shot him under the table... wait, no, Greedo made a really bad shot first, and Han kinda morphed over to the side a couple inches... wait, no, both Han and Greedo didn't have guns, they both had flashlights... and there were robots dancing on the table and an eopie farting on a Toydarian in the background. Eh, who knows. We all know Han shot first. So Han ferried Luke and Obi-Wan to Alderaan and dropped them off and collected his money, thus ending his story peacefully, and... fuck, no, somebody went and destroyed their planet! While flying through the asteroid field that used to be Alderaan, they encountered a lone TIE fighter flying around and followed it to a small moon. They landed on the moon and had an underground adventure, meeting the glow-in-the-dark Mooninites, who... fuck, no, that's no moon, that's a fucking Death Star. This sort of thing was not in Han's contract. The Corporate Sector didn't have expensive world-destroying crap like this... well, maybe the iStar, but that's it. But it was too late. They were stuck in a tractor beam that the Empire had borrowed from Star Trek, and they were pulled inside. While attempting to escape, they discovered Princess Leia was held prisoner there. Although Han had gone about two months without a bitter destructive relationship, he was in no mood to start another one just yet. With any luck, he figured he'd have enough credits left over after paying Jabba the Hutt to have a five-way with some Twi'lek prostitutes in a pool of Jell-O. But then he noticed that Princess Leia was actually Carrie Fisher, and he smelled Hollywood money. He could buy a starship, a mansion, and a yacht with one month of her cocaine budget. So Luke and Han stole some stormtrooper outfits and broke her out of jail... stopping briefly in the garbage chute so that Luke could be raped by a dianoga. Obi-Wan had wandered off somewhere, and Han didn't really care. Wait, no, he was shutting off the tractor beam. Well, cool. Now they could get out of here and go to Aldera—wait, no. Where were they going? Leia said they should take her to Yavin 4. There was a Rebel base there. Oh. Okay. Do the Rebels have money? Turns out, yes, they do, at least enough to pay off Han Solo. And that was it. No more adventures! "And get that annoying 3PO droid out of my ship!" But while Han was busy building Jenga towers out of his money, Luke and Leia kept giving him puppy-dog eyes, like "Hey, you're not leaving, are ya?" The Rebels wanted him to sign up and be a pilot so that they could... blow up the Death Star. So Han Solo abandoned the doomed Rebels and got the hell out of Dodge... then decided to hang around for a while and see how the battle went. The Y-wings all got blown up in about 30 seconds, but some of the X-wings got pretty close. Han and Chewie figured it would be cool to watch a moon-sized space station explode and flew the Millennium Falcon to help out. Luke was almost done with his trench run, but by this point Darth Vader was tailing him in his personal TIE Advanced. Han crept up behind Vader and his TIE escort, sneak, sneak, sneak and backstabbed for quadruple damage. Vader screamed, "Wat?!" Han screamed, "YAHOO! U GOT PWNED BY HAN SOLO!" Luke successfully blew up the Death Star, which had a big ring around it... and Greedo shot it first. Everybody celebrated, including Wedge Antilles, who had fled the battle like a coward. Luke and Han lined up for their medals while Rebel Nazis saluted them. Princess Leia herself awarded the honors to the two new heroes, and Han gave her a hopeful "hey, baby, you wanna?" wink. No dice. Disappointed at the lack of princess sex, Han immediately had a five-way with some Twi'lek prostitutes in a pool of Jell-O. After the Battle of Yavin, various crap happened. Like the time Han and Chewbacca visited Kashyyyk for Life Day. Fucking Life Day. The less said about this, the better. There was also the weird Seven Samurai adventure on Aduba-3. Oh, did I mention that all the money Han got from the Rebels on Yavin 4 was stolen by some stupid space pirate named Crimson Jack? Then there was his fight with IG-88 on Ord Mantell. There were his completely canon-destroying adventures with Renegade Squadron. About a million run-ins with Boba Fett in which they kept shooting at each other, but neither one died. There was also the time Han went into the Witness Protection Program to elude Jabba the Hutt, and he was given a sex change by a skilled plastic surgeon, becoming a cute scoundrel girl. This didn't work out, however, as Han spent most of his spare time playing with his breasts, and tracking down his old girlfriends in hopes they'd become lesbians in the meantime. All this time he wasn't actually making any money, so Chewbacca forced him to change back. Empire gets strike-backy, Han gets froze Han Solo frequently visited the Rebel Alliance after becoming... you know, a hero of the Rebel Alliance. He still disappeared for long stretches of time, so he wasn't a very reliable hero, but the Rebels were basically his new gravy train now that Jabba the Hutt wasn't speaking to him anymore. After blowing up the Death Star, Leia and her Alliance were being hunted by everybody in the galaxy, bounty hunters, the Empire, Darth Dateline NBC... everybody. They'd holed up on Hoth, a freezing planet somewhere in Alaska. No one could possibly find Hoth, what with it being so remote and isolated and... Viper probe droids found them. Nice hiding place, guys. You were outsmarted by droids. The probe droid was even sassy enough to take a few potshots at Han and Chewbacca before it blew up. Now that the Empire had found them, preparations for evacuation began. Meanwhile, while on tauntaun patrol to look at the pretty snow, Luke had gotten distracted by a shiny object and hadn't come back and nearly froze to death. Plus he'd been raped by a wampa. (Wow, what will he be raped by next?) Han rolled his eyes, got on a tauntaun and saved him. Again. This time by slicing open his tauntaun and pushing Luke inside. Luke spent a lot of time penetrating or being penetrated by strange creatures. Han dragged both carcasses back to camp at Echo Base, got Luke healed up with bacta, and started putting the moves on Princess Leia again, because it'd been at least three weeks since his last five-way with Twi'lek prostitutes, but Leia responded by kissing Luke full on the mouth, which left Han sick and speechless for quite a while. Then they had a long argument in the hall. And so on and so forth. But Leia wasted so much time arguing with Han that all the other evacuation ships left without them, so they had no choice but to escape in the Millennium Falcon... with R2-D2 and C-3PO tagging along. "Oh, not that goddamn droid again," mumbled Han. They escaped into the Hoth asteroid field and bickered some more. Darth Vader tried pursuing in his Star Destroyer, but eventually lost them. Han finally managed to kiss Leia while they were hiding in the belly of a space slug, but he couldn't help thinking he was getting some nasty germs left over from Luke. Out of ideas and not knowing how to meet up with the rest of the Rebels, Han and Leia decided to seek sanctuary on Bespin with Lando Calrissian. Lando gave them a nice hotel room, some casino chips, a nice meal... then got even with Han by pissing in his beer. Then he got extra-even with Han by having sex with Leia and bragging about it online. Then he got extra-extra-even with Han by turning him over to Darth Vader, who tortured him with electricity and threw him in jail. "That'll teach you to take my ship!" shouted Lando. "But, okay, now that's out of my system, we'll let bygones be bygones. I'll help you escape, promise. Pinky swear." Unfortunately, Lando couldn't help Han, and he got frozen in carbonite by Darth Vader and delivered to Boba Fett. But Lando bravely offered to watch over Leia in the meantime, while flying Han's ship and wearing Han's shirt. Frozen Han spent the next year not doing much because he was frozen in carbonite. It was very cold. He had a terrible itch on his nose. He was kept in a back room in Jabba the Hutt's Palace, hanging on the wall. On the good side, at least he was well hung. Han still here, I guess Han was thawed out by Princess Leia when she, Luke, Lando, Chewbacca R2-D2 and C-3PO infiltrated Jabba's Palace. Now, Harrison Ford was kinda sick of Star Wars at this point and wanted his character to die heroically, but George Lucas refused, and so Han spent the whole movie mugging at the camera and mumbling to himself. Luke Skywalker (after being raped by a rancor) concocted a bizarre plan involving almost getting thrown into the Sarlacc, then hopping and grabbing his lightsaber and doing a bunch of improbable things. This plan worked, but only because Jabba's henchmen were idiots. During the melee, Han accidentally chopped off Boba Fett's jetpack, sending him screaming into the Sarlacc. He totally PWNed Boba Fett without even trying. Finally free of the carbonite, Han Solo scratched the awful itch on his nose, had a quick five-way with Twi'lek prostitutes, and met up with the rest of the Rebels for the final assault on the new Death Star. Han wasn't really involved much... Luke did all the cool stuff on the Death Star while Han and Leia wandered around Endor trying to blow up a shield generator, while fighting off stormtroopers alongside a bunch of teddy bears. The only interesting thing that happened was Han groping Leia outside a bunker. Shields went down, Death Star blew up, and everybody celebrated to an annoying Ewok song. New Disney Canon Following the Battle of Endor, Han and Leia married and had a Son, Ben Solo. He was force sensitive and was given to Luke to be trained as a jedi. However Ben was turned to the dark side by Snoke and he became Kylo Ren. He destroyed Luke's new Jedi Order, burned his temple and killed all his students, and vanished. Han and Leia divorced. Years later, Han and Chewbacca recaptured the falcon while it was with Rey and Finn. There, he was hauling Rathtars, these bloody tentacle things. Also Han was found by two very angry criminal gangs that Han forgot to pay off. One was the Guavien Death Gang, led by the Irishman Bala-Tik, the other was the, Kangja? Kanga? Kaga? Something Klub, I really have no clue, led by Tassu Leech. Either way, Han and Chewbacca unleashed the Rashtars and took care of his debts for him. They then bounced, leaving the other gang members to die. They then went to Takodana to find someone who could get the Map To Luke Skywalker to the resistance. While there, they saw the BIG LaZAR blow Up the New Republic. Rey was kidnapped by Kylo, so Finn, Solo and chewy took BB-8 to the resistance. They found a weakness in the Starkiller base plans (beacuse duh) and Finn, Han and chewie snuck to the base to disable the shields. They forced Phasma to do it and then dumped her in the trash. With the shields down, Poe Dameron began hs attack with his squadron. Han saw Kylo on a bridge and called about to him. He tried talk Kylo back to the light but his own son stabbed him with his Lightsaber. Han then fell from the bridge to his death, casuing Rey and Chewie to scream in horror, despair and rage. Legacy Finally, Han Solo patched up his life, got clean and sober, and went about the business of being an 80-year-old hero of the galaxy. He started getting suspicious of the new Galactic Alliance government and made a few phone calls... and suddenly realized they were going to invade Corellia, his homeworld, and start a ridiculously stupid plotline involving his son turning into a Sith Lord! He flew to Corellia in a desperate attempt to stop the stupid novel series from happening, but his efforts were in vain. The Legacy of the Force series happened anyway. Fuck. Mara Jade, Gilad Pellaeon, and Jacen Solo all ended up dying. Later there was another series of novels, but by this point nobody was even pretending Han Solo was part of the story anymore. He basically sat around and drank caf. Desperate for relevance and acceptance, Han Solo finally hit rock bottom when he agreed to star in Firewall. And, uh, I don't know, I guess that's when Kyle Katarn shot him. Sure, why not? But let's not remember Han Solo as the bitter old man raving to his gypsy friend about the time he banged Calista Flockhart. Let's remember him as the vibrant, quick-witted scoundrel who every kid wanted to be in the 80s. Darth Han }} "Darth Han" was an identity briefly adopted by Solo when he took Luke Skywalker's lightsaber on Hoth and fulfilled his dream of going on a tauntaun killing spree. Han found his friend taking a snooze in the snow, yet conveniently failed to notice he was injured and getting his ass frozen off. Darth Han slaughtered hundreds of innocent tauntauns and disemboweled them for his own amusement. He found their lack of abdominal muscles disturbing. Unfortunately for Darth Han, the tauntauns were protected by Imperial law. Darth Vader launched a full scale assault on Hoth and pursued Han on a high speed chase to collect the five million credit fine for unlawful tauntaun killing. Notes and references Category:Alcoholics Category:Fangirl Favorite Category:Humans Category:Males Category:Pilots Category:Rebels Category:Scoundrels Category:Space pirates Category:Victims of Kyle Katarn Category:Awesome people Category:Members of the Rebel Alliance Category:Generals Category:Coolest individual ever Category:Anonymous good shots Category:Fanboy Favorites Category:Dead people